Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have
survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the
parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red
conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the
airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail
rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who
might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle
curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send
you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without
proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually
exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the
parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions
in all four languages.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating
a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at
regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute
reminds them of.
Dramaticist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop
the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a
parachute.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell
them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you
can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional
right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Terrorist: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it
is biodegradable.
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take
the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other
person.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to
crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane
engine, it works fine.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take
you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be
hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently
that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies
have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and
death.