The Humor of Steven Wright

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.

8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

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Free Puppies:

1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog ----------------------------------

Free Puppies:

Part German Shepherd Part Stupid Dog ----------------------------------

German Shepherd - 85lbs.

Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

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1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer ----------------------------------

Amana Washer $100.

Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

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Snow blower for sale.

Only used on snowy days.

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2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:

1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.

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Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,

Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto Excellent Condition, $6,800.

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83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000 ----------------------------------

Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15 ----------------------------------

Soft & Genital Bath Tissues or Facial Tischue - $.89 ----------------------------------

Full-Sized Mattress 20 Year Warranty Like New! Slight urine smell.

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FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home ----------------------------------

Nordic Track $300 Hardly used. Call Chubbie.

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Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products"

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Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks ----------------------------------

HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!

"If it's in stock, we have it!"

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Get a Little John:

The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.

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Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club ----------------------------------

Georgia Peaches California Grown - $.89/lb.

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Nice Parachute Never Opened - Used Once Slightly Stained ----------------------------------

American Flag 60 Stars - Pole Included - $100 ----------------------------------

Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?

We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.

Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.

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Exercise Equipment Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175 ----------------------------------

Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!

And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.

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Joining Nudist Colony!

Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300 ----------------------------------

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.

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Alzheimer's Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember ----------------------------------

Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell ----------------------------------

Open House!

Body Shapers Toning Salon Free Coffee & Donuts ----------------------------------

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.

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Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

45 volumes - Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

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